more like less than 2 months away. With it being summer, that will go by quickly. I need to find things to do to make this summer less of a bummer. So I took my placement test—FUCKING WASTE OF MY TIME. just saying. And orientation is soon…like the 9th of July or something like that. God, I just still wish I could be out of this state. I want adventure to go along with all this romance…..speaking of which, my ex is popping up in my life again. Screw it, I just need to forget he existed, no matter how much he actually meant to me. I didn’t lose my job, we’re staying open for another 3 months…..but I will be a waitress, which means that I have to step my game up, and that I need to do a great job for some tips because my paychecks will suck tits.
I want to work for McDonald’s again. Call me insane, but I really loved the company. As long as the right people are by your side then its fun.
Hopefully life goes better than it already is for me. For Now, I’m gona go to manly things with the boyfriend as in smoke, fix shit, and complain that we have no money to fix shit.
Many, many tears have been shed because I look back at these solemn moments of my high school “career” that turned myself into this utterly grotesque sex-craving slut. I wish I could go back to that day. When I looked into your eyes and thought you loved me and take it all back. I remember it clearly. September 22nd, 2008. The day I gave away my sanity.
I wish I never gave it away to you so quickly either. On a floor of all places. And don’t get me started on events prior…I can’t help myself. I crave sex. Its what keeps me from crying. It makes me feel like I can be embodied in someone else’s happiness. On the subject of happiness, I wish that I could make you happier, and that I could be a happier, stronger person for you. I try to be. But it’s hard when everyone you have ever given your all to has let you down. I have enough faith to think that you wouldn’t do the same, but then again the thought is always in the back of my mind.
And money has become such an issue. I just wish I had a decent job again. I gave it up. I gave everything up for you it seems like now. I just wanted to make things right and not do other mistakes I have made in past relationships. The crazy thing is, you and the “ex” are the only two I have NEVER cheated on. I used to be that girl, the heart breaker because her first true love did the dirt on her, so she feels like she needs to do the same thing to others. Which isn’t right. But all my mistakes have led me to you. So I can’t complain. But I keep swearing that I will never hurt you because I have never loved someone as much as you.
I’m ready for school. I want to learn, further my education as much as possible. I want to leave this place. With you.
Now so far, I think that I am getting more comfortable in my own skin. I feel that all that makes me happy is being by your side. Nothing can ever accompany my empty, sorrowful past. That’s the past. Can’t change it, but I could be reliving it. You’ve kept me alive. I’m only human, you make me whole, and feel like I have a purpose….so to follow these days, I am going to try to be a happier person. Not for just you, but for myself.