The final days of my mere existence as a child, to grown adult, to now graduate. Still the simple yet still misunderstood girl I have always been, with the teenage angst, and the teenage problems. Well it is all soon to be a different story. A different path that I will go down. I’m not going the route I would like, but I will go down my meandering path until I get where I want to go.
Now with my boyfriend, here’s where life gets complicated. We’ve been dating for 5 months and about a week. I couldn’t ask for someone more genuine and dear to me to get me through all the bullshit I should have never gone through. He is the man I want to marry. I always said to myself, “before I leave high school I will find the man I want to marry, and I will know it after a few months.” Maybe that is just because I’m a teenage girl, or because I have been hurt so much that I figured I would actually find love at such a young age. Well, I found it. But I always find it hard to trust, after all the hurt and lies I have been fed the past however many years. I wish I could get over it and let my boyfriend be his own person but I can’t. I feel the need to control every fucking action. I don’t mean to but at the same time, I WANT to because I hate thinking that this could actually end up just like every other relationship. My last ex, hurt me the most, and he and I didn’t date for that long. But since him, I attempted suicide three times, overdosed more than I ever have in the past, and somehow, I managed to live. IM STILL FUCKING ALIVE.
As much as I am glad that I am, I wish at least once a day that I wasn’t. I wish that I never were here. I feel like I bring people down, and that I cannot ever make up for being the best of the best for anyone—I’m nothing special. As close as graduation is, I still look back at all I accomplished, and all that was given to me that I gave up. I think that’s what I said. This is it. I give up. Watch me never succeed. So thank you. For making me think I am still worth nothing, and having that thought never leave my mind.